Under the Influence

I attended yet another hospital orientation today and have created a list. Joel frequently organized his communications with me in the form of lists and it was well received by my inherently linear brain. I often structure my thoughts in the form of lists. So here’s my list for February 22, 2011.

1. Free food. I intentionally chose to eat organic low fat yogurt and granola at home BEFORE orientation so that I would not be tempted. I also packed an apple and homemade trail mix. The minute I saw the donut with chocolate frosting, it was over. One donut, a catered lunch of MEXICAN food and a cookie later, I felt sufficiently disgusting. If it is free, I will eat it and I will have seconds. I can never ever work (at FIGHT) where free food is an option.

2. Altered hearing. It turns out that you don’t hear as well when you are relying on one ear which I did from 7:49a to 10:14a. I had no choice but to plug my right ear due to audible eating. The lovely young lady next to me selected a bagel for breakfast. She would break off a tiny piece of bagel, smear it with large amounts of cream cheese (no judgment here) and then, then, she would move it around her mouth slowly and deliberately. She took the first step of digestion very seriously; each piece of bagel was more than adequately chewed. Audible eating = two hours of torture.

3. Ice breakers. Shopping and facebook are considered hobbies. Also, interior design. Someone else stated that she doesn’t have any hobbies. What? What does she do? She finally offered, walking her dog… slowly. Someone else offered dancing but then felt that she needed to expand and share with us the origin of her interest in dancing. Hmm. Where do I start? I’ll start with the hobby I am choosing for myself today, yoga.

4. Mind Your Own Business. “Leaving your computer logged on is like leaving your credit card sitting on the counter in a public space.”

5. Universal truths. “I didn’t know” but really you should have known better. Unacceptable: deliberate ignorance, reckless disregard and knowingly making a false claim. Shouldn’t this govern how we live? It governs our healthcare billing.

6. Retro. Educational videos produced in the 70s but employed in 2011 are brilliantly retro and inherently engaging… like my kitchen. Unintentionally “cool” but simultaneously functional.

7. Pockets. I really need to learn how to sew pockets because my homemade bags sans pockets are absolutely unmanageable. There are so many other things in this bag that are not visible. Several pens, knitting needles, yarn, chapstick, lip gloss (which I never wear), a notepad, eyeglasses, an ipod, a ceramic coffee mug… I need pockets.

8. The FISH video. The 24 year old fishmonger in the FISH video is really attractive (and at this point, probably my age) so if I attend a third hospital orientation in Seattle, I will happily watch this video for a third time. Unless I find it online, then I can’t really say how many times I will watch it.

9. Weapons. What are the two things you need to know about someone who is armed? The obvious answer is that they have a weapon. The second and less obvious answer is that someone who chooses to arm themselves has also actively made the decision that they are willing to injure or kill another human being (under the right conditions). I dislike guns even more than I did.

10. Under the influence (of an injured family member). They may not be chemically altered but they are emotionally altered. Thinking of families as under the influence somehow tapped a deeper level of empathy within me. I think this will allow me to develop more patience. I can imagine (very easily) that I might not be so easy to deal with under the same circumstances.

11. Altoids. This is a straight up addiction. Cinnamon altoids. Cinnamon altoids taste like the center of a fire ball. My Dad loves fire balls (that’s what she said) and as a kid, you want to be like your Dad but I suffered greatly in his shadow. I couldn’t hang yet I LOVED the center. Just hot enough. I dreamed that someone would love me enough to suffer through the outer layers of the fire ball and then give me the center (gross?). But now, I have cinnamon altoids. I finished half a tin today. I thought of Sarah finishing off her Nuts Plus purchases within an hour while I popped the little cinnamonny delights.

12. Yoga. Yoga saved me from my gluttonous free food experience. I was able to locate myself on the other side of the studio from creepy guy. I think creepy guy might not be creepy, I think maybe he was born with creepy facial expressions. I think he’s probably a nice guy but he creeps me out. Instead I was near the guy in the speedo. I was so inspired by my unexpected improvement in flexibility that I got out my foam roller when I got home. The fact that others have flaunted their effortless use of the foam roller in my presence really irks me. I don’t think of them highly when I get it out and if I ever meet the person who thought a cylinder of foam was the answer...

13. Traction. I mean love. I never knew four new tires could bring me so much joy. My car, which I loved best for its heated seats, now handles flawlessly thanks to traction. My “your car isn’t good in the snow” car ROCKS in inclement weather thanks to a sweet set of new tires. My absolute love of driving renewed, inspired yet again to obsess over weather.com in hopes of a snowstorm, I’m all over a snowy commute to the East side. If only I had manual transmission, I would have everything I need in a car.