Tears

I cry easily – an absolute truism until more recently. And perhaps I still cry easily but not when expected. I cry when I see little old men walking alone very slowly down the street carrying groceries. I cried when my cat died this fall. I have been thinking lately that perhaps I’ve hardened or detached because the tears just do not come. But then today, I cried. Really, really hard as I left the hospital and it felt surreal. Sobbing. I cried freely and entirely, recruiting every fiber of my being.

My job is frequently sad and difficult but offset by a great amount of joy and life. I’m able to feel it without carrying it with me. But this morning, this morning I was stunned. The anguish crept up inside of me and my heart just broke. Perhaps it was the unexpected. You don’t expect certain things to happen to children and my guard was down. To watch an entirely unexpected reality become evident and real and irreversible – to watch a mother’s heart break as her mind grasps what is happening to her child.

I don’t want medicine to be a perfect science, medical practice is also about being human and with that comes inherent limitations. There is an intangible quality to the care we provide that cannot be measured. We cannot save everyone with science but unexpectedly, absolute love and shear will and faith can bring a person back to life. I hope this mother’s love performs miracles.