I'm Sorry

I’m feeling a period of introspection settle in like a dense fog. Such an environment doesn’t lend itself to outwardly sharing or clarity of thought. To (somewhat) publicly write about how you feel or even to write at all requires a bit of vulnerability and I have a theory that one only has so much vulnerability to distribute among the many realms of life.

Vulnerability taps your energy and takes some courage. I know this well. Moving somewhere new and putting yourself out there over and over and over again… is exhausting. I’m exhausted! And quite frankly, tired of being vulnerable. My shield has sustained some damage in 2011 and is currently in the shop for repairs.

Nothing a little running can’t fix (I tell myself). I have evidence that it has worked in the past.

I recently spent the day with Leah. We went on a mini road trip titled Ferries and Berries. This trip involved a series of ferry rides with an interim stop on Whidbey Island for the purpose of berry picking. It was a lovely day. I am sure it had purpose for Leah but for me, my aim was to emerge from a funk. I was hoping the clouds would burn off and for a brief moment they did.

I wandered up and down aisles of raspberry bushes, caught up in my own thoughts. Quietly searching for berries among the leaves, listening to kids in the distance, alone for a moment but surrounded by people… my favorite sort of existence.

My ears tuned into a family two aisles away. The Mom very patiently but directly said to her elementary school aged son, “Sweetheart, I asked you to stop picking berries and instead you are continuing down this row.” His response, “I’m sorry Mom.”

“Don’t be sorry, I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to do what you are asked.”

Ah the nuance.

So many times in my recent adult life have I encountered a fully functioning adult size version of this little pint who was apologizing for something he knew better not to do.

Is it enough? To apologize? Is it enough to be self-aware? Is it enough to own up to it? We are taught to apologize without real consideration, with abandon. Sorry is reflexive.

Sure… but what if you KNEW you were doing something wrong, did it anyway, hurt someone knowingly and then apologized. Hmmm. Sorry is reflexive.

The proper use of sorry.

I recognize that there are circumstances under which we act with the understanding that we will be left with no choice but to apologize and hope for the best. But I am talking about the sorry people use to get out of jail free, the sorry used as an excuse for poor and often selfish behavior, the sorry that numbs us to the experience of consequences.

I fought the urge to rise up from my crouched position and peak through the bushes to get a better look, thus far, my experience of this family had only been auditory. I wanted to smile in recognition of the importance of conveying the proper use of “sorry.”

What if apologies weren’t available? We weave them seamlessly into all aspects of our life, our interactions, we take them for granted, we hide behind them, we’d be compelled to act more thoughtfully and intentionally without them, we would have to take more care in weighing the consequences of our actions.

Giving them up would be like giving up "like" which if you’ve like ever like tried, you’d know that it is like the hardest like thing to do. Sorry has become reflexive.