Party Patio

What are you going to do tonight? (while we drift peacefully asleep) Read, watch a movie? Write. My answer was a silent one. I am uninspired. If I were to state, “write,” then the expectation would become public. And then the obvious subsequent question, “write what?” I don’t know, that’s the crux of the problem(s).

So I find myself writing from the party patio. A red hued glow, colorful globes bobbing above, two candles flickering, a gentle cool breeze carrying upon it the scent of Seattle, (listening to Helplessly Hoping quietly… it’s late). It is blissfully peaceful juxtaposed against the emergency department the night before. I relay stories of amusing children, I speak of my job off handedly but this belies the intensity, the energy. I mask so much with humor. What and how DO others do?

I am struggling to identify an obscure feeling. I described it earlier this evening as insecurity but that’s not true. I’m uncomfortable again. I described it this morning as disincentivized (note, not a word, don’t use it). I described it this afternoon as a void of creative, intellectual and emotional stimulation. I could inaccurately describe it now as wanderlust. What am I doing?

Insecurity is my way of expressing that I don’t feel self-directed enough to alter my current state. I’m unsure of my next step and I am not settled in my current state. I sense people responding to this under current but perhaps I am projecting. What will I do next? What will I accomplish? Will I grow beyond this time and place?

I have a craving. A craving for stimulation. I’ve stopped reading the paper. I haven’t been listening to NPR. I can’t finish a book. My podcasts are backing up. I am following, not leading. I’m not creating. I’m not dreaming. I’m not making a difference.

I need a wave! If anyone has any life altering experiences to offer, please be in touch.

Passion

What are your passions outside of work?

“After ruminating on passion, the importance of having passions outside of work versus making your passion your life work. The authentic answer to the question is that I discovered that I could make a living pursuing my passion. Volunteerism and service. Human Services and Nursing - these are degrees you obtain because you are passionate about human well-being (and consequently your work).

This is what I thought when I took my little 5 year old patient to his room last night, picking him up and carrying him to his bed, pulling up his sheets, taking his five little fingers in my hand, crouching down on the floor to remind him that he's the bravest little guy I've ever met as a smile spread across his face. All the other passions outside of work are just icing on the cake and while they are valuable and enriching, how can they even compare?”

It should be enough, right?

It is and it isn't. I've been here before and surely I will return again. What will invigorate me this time? Too soon to tell.

On a lighter note…

(TEMPORARY) Cognitive Impairment

I work overnight and frequently find myself attempting to use my car key fob to open my front door (in my sleepy state). Furthermore, my dog, who is incapable of using her dog door, is peering up at me from below. An endlessly entertaining scene – almost always amused with myself. What? This ISN’T endearing?!

Just because I fall over on my bike (when not clipped in) and attempt to use my car key fob to open my front door, does NOT mean that I am cognitively impaired people! It means I am either severely sleep or caffeine deprived!!